25 Random Things about Me

1. I received the name Luna in a dream in 1991. I meditated in the evening, then asked to know my true name, then went to sleep for the night. I dreamed my name was Luna, and when I woke up, I knew that was my name. Interestingly, when I introduce myself by my birth name, Anita, no one can ever remember my name.

2. I lived in a rural, intentional community (East Wind) for a year in my early 20s, which totally changed my life. I learned about spirituality, nature, organic food, herbs, intentional childrearing, community living, and how to pee standing up!

3. I have always loved art -- drawing, painting, sculpture, pottery, everything. I wanted to go to art school when I was 17, but my parents said no, so I went to university instead. I regretted that decision, so I infuse my life with creativity, share my love of art with my art-loving daughter, and let my artistic temperament out to play.

4. I am from New York. New York culture is an important part of who I am. Born in Queens, raised near Peekskill. No accent, unless I'm inebriated, angry, or on the phone with my mother.

5. I love many people so much sometimes it hurts.

6. I have never learned how to whistle.

7. I love to ride my bicycle, but I have been too scared since I was "car-doored" and injured two years ago. A little PTSD goes a long way.

8. I love all animals, but have no pets.

9. I lived in Portland for a year, attended graduate school in counselor education, got straight A's, then dropped out because I felt I was short-changing my pre-school-aged son. So I returned to Eugene and my child-centered creativity.

10. Teaching yoga has been my favorite job, by far, especially prenatal yoga, and I can see myself sharing the joys and benefits of yoga with others far into the future.

11. I still crave chocolate whenever I'm upset, even though I know better than to expect sweets to feed my inner needs, and I try to avoid sugar and eat healthy. It's an addiction, and sometimes it is stronger than I am.

12. I still love everyone I have ever loved, even the ones I never want to speak to again.

13. I really, really, really hated high school.

14. I love being near water, just to see and hear it makes me happy -- creek, river, lake, waterfall, ocean, fountain, anything.

15. My children, yoga, and spirituality are by far the most important things in my life.

16. I love Eugene, Oregon completely and hope to live here for the rest of my life.

17. I have lived in 8 U.S. states and visited 44 states.

18. I love to travel. I hate to travel with my children (sorry, kids!), so I haven't travelled much since my son was born in 1993. I hope to remedy this as he begins college this Fall (yay!).

19. I have intense, life-long, chronic insomnia. I have tried every insomnia remedy, natural and not, and could easily write a book about how to sleep. However, some nights, my expertise is humbled...and wide-awake.

20. My nose was broken in a fist-fight in 1992 by a supposed friend with whom I was in conflict, who happened to be a former gang member (she knew how to fight, and I did not). On that day, I learned the destructive power of outward-directed anger. I wear that lesson on my face as a constant reminder that finding win-win solutions to conflict is the only answer. Now I'm a certified community mediator :)

21. I have been pursuing spiritual development, holistic health, and personal growth continuously for over 20 years.

22. I would much rather snack than cook. It amuses me that Cancerians are supposed to be fabulous cooks when I can hardly make toast.

23. I mostly listen to mantras, kirtans, and other yoga music, but I still rock out sometimes to old fav's from the 80s, and I love to dance to anything danceable.

24. I am learning to pace myself, and live more in the moment.

25. I am proud of how far I have come, and accepting of how far I still have to go.

Mid-Life Mom is Growing Up

I look at how happily married I am, and I believe it's because I was single for so long first (finally married at 38), and I therefore got the full single experience out of my system. I look at how happily parenting my new-mom friends are, and I believe it's because they were childless for so long first, and they therefore got the full childless experience out of their systems.

However, I started parenting young -- solo-parenting a child with autism -- and I am still busy parenting, and I feel somehow cheated out of the life-phase of childlessness. I finished school and less than 18 months later I was expecting a baby. I never got my "ya-ya's" out; never got that "me" time all young adults crave.

Perhaps, developmentally, I am stuck at Erikson's "identity versus role confusion" stage. When it comes to my identity, I certainly feel confused! Well, of course, I am 40, and I have in many ways progressed in my spiritual and emotional evolution. I always put my kids' needs first. I don't drink or get high (anymore), I'm in bed by 10 (p.m.), I attend parent-teacher meetings and help with homework, etc. etc. I'm a mom. That part of my identity is clear.

But part of me never got to finish growing up. Part of me wants to experiment and explore and finish figuring out who I am. I know I'm a mother; I fully accept and cherish that role. But, what else am I? Who else am I? I never got a chance to answer those questions, because I was too busy changing diapers and arranging play dates.

My children are growing up and will someday move on. Meanwhile, any jobs I have held besides mother-in-chief have been the kind that let me put my kids first -- in other words, low-paying and part-time, with no hope for advancement. In other words, my resume is a tangled mess of underemployment and unemployment -- a bridge to nowhere. I hope it's not too late to finally blossom into my fully realized adult self.

I realize my timing's a bit lousy, this being the world's worst economic recession and all. Still, I need some time to learn about and develop my individual identity, so I can better contribute to the larger society.

That means completing my education -- graduate or professional school -- and experimenting with roles and occupations -- am I an artist? a counselor? a mediator? a yoga-communitarian? What are my true priorities? Assuming parenting tops the list, what else is most important to me?

With my kids born 10 years apart, I've been home playing Lego's far too much, for far too long. My mid-life crisis feels like a deep desire to step out and define myself in the world. I will keep one foot firmly grounded at home on "mother" earth, as I step boldly into the unknown to "find myself." Despite being a responsible, middle-aged, mother-of-three, I am eager, and ready, to finally grow up.

We all need to do what we need to do. Listen to your inner voice. Follow your excitement. We are not just doing or being; we are continually becoming. Allow your blossoming to unfold. Blessings to all....

Even Moms Need to Live Fully

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anaïs Nin (1903 - 1977)

Fear tends to paralyze me. I tend to avoid taking risks and hide under the covers, in a futile attempt to avoid bad things happening. Risk-taking, however, does not always lead to tragedy; sometimes wonderful things happen. And sometimes bad things happen even when you're home sitting on the couch -- or because you're home sitting on the couch! You may be doing something routine and familiar, and when you least expect it...WHAM-O! Yet what at first seems like a catastrophe may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you... or at least a rewarding learning experience.

Ever since I became unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 23, I have been mostly conservative in my ways (especially compared to the wildness that got me pregnant in the first place). Since fate hit me over the head with that surprise sledge-hammer, I have been mainly self-protective, sedentary, housebound, and hiding from the world that so shockingly side-swiped me. Children are a blessing, of course, and I "took the high road" and dedicated my life to being a good mother, but what a devastating shock when I was just a child myself!!

At times I've reached out from my Cancerian shell, only to scurry back into my safe haven at the first sign of adversity. I attempted to pursue a graduate degree, for example, when my son was in preschool, but gave up because I felt I was shortchanging him by being gone too much. The biggest risk that I have always been unwilling to take is to be a "bad mother." My own mother went back to work 80 hours a week when I was 9, and I swore I would never do that to my own children. So anything I've tried to do that risked my prioritization of parenthood has been short lived at best.

And now I'm 40, half my life is over, I've spent the past 16+ years playing it safe, and where has that gotten me? The kids are fine, and they'd rather interact with their computers and their friends than with me. Meanwhile, I'm middle-aged, with two chronic, incurable illnesses, and a very boring, pedestrian life that isn't much fun, isn't fulfilling, and doesn't really suit me at all! I've been living for the children, waiting for my turn to come first. If not now, when?

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
-- Mark Twain.

Of course, I'm not going to abandon my kids or my husband, and I don't advise throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. I'm not advocating stupid risk-taking, like having unprotected sex with strangers, ignoring your doctor's advice, or binging on junk foods. Take care of yourself, and act consciously and conscientiously. But even if you are ill, or have five kids, or had a run of really bad luck that made you scared to leave the house, get up in the morning and live your life to the fullest.

Each day is precious, and no one is getting any younger. Remember what you liked to do when you were young and carefree, and add some of that excitement back into your hum-drum life. I like: art, dance, music, writing, reading, nature, sunshine, travel, walking, hiking, biking, taking classes, learning new things, exploring, creativity, lovemaking, cuddling, flirting, talking, listening, communication, touch, spirituality, yoga, meditation, being near water, boating, playing with kids, making something new, working, playing, resting, balance and harmony. What do you like, that you haven't done in awhile?

Dare to Live Fully
Say Yes to What You Want
Experiment and Explore
Don't Be Afraid
Hiding Won't Protect You
Risking Won't Hurt You
Life is To Be Lived
Keep Your Eyes, Hands, Mind, and Heart Wide Open
Apply Yourself
Let Nothing Go To Waste
The World Needs All of You at this critical time in history.

SHINE Your Light in the World