10 Things I Have Learned From Being Sick

Oh God, please, I don't want to be sick anymore. I want to be well and happy and live my life and attain peace and fulfillment. But if I have to be sick, (and it seems that I do, since I have been sick for so long, and I have already tried everything to become well and failed), then please, please, let it not be for nought. Let my experience of illness benefit myself and others. Let me learn, grow, teach, and touch others' lives in a positive way.

10 Things I Have Learned From Being Sick:

1. That the Body is not the Self.

2. That the body's insistent demands can be heeded or ignored, by conscious choice.

3. I have developed self-discipline, at long last. I can swallow terrible-tasting medications daily, if needed. I can abstain from things I love and crave, like sugar, dairy products, chocolate, gluten (pizza and bread!), and even sex, to help myself feel better.

4. That so-called "experts" are not necessarily trustworthy. I have been misdiagnosed, wrongly advised, and prescribed medications that made me much worse. Now, I trust my inner voice and my body's clear messages over and above the advice of any doctor or professional. I know myself best.

5. I have learned to be an excellent medical researcher and holistic health scholar, out of dire necessity. I have learned so much about yoga, natural healing, nutrition, nutritional supplements, food sensitivities, herbology, homeopathy, ayurveda, amino acid therapy, psychiatric treatments, pain medications, sleep remedies, and much more. Ask me anything!

6. I have learned to lean on others for support when needed. I much prefer to be independent, and am very strong-minded. But when the chips are down (and they often have been, in recent years), I have learned to ask for help, and to let others take care of me. I especially thank my husband and my parents for their help in learning this lesson.

7. I have learned to let go of perfectionism. I cannot do everything exactly the way I want to do it anymore. For awhile, I was overwhelmingly frustrated by the limitations of being ill. Many days I can barely get out of bed. Even doing one or two things half-assed is a major victory. My ego wants to excel, but my aching body and unstable mind really need to just get by. So I have learned to just get by, and to be okay with that. The girl with a National Merit Scholarship and straight A's at Yale has learned many humbling lessons from being too ill to work.

8. I have learned to have so much more compassion for others. I used to be jealous of other people who seemed to have easier lives than mine. I now know that we are all struggling, in our own individual ways, as the wheel of Samsara turns. Having an invisible disability makes me look a little closer at all the "normal," healthy-looking people I meet, since I'm sure I look normal and healthy to you, and I'm not.

The more I look and listen, the more I realize we all have problems, we all suffer, we all are learning from our challenges, we are all beautiful, and we are all in this together. No matter what, I try my best to be kind to everyone I encounter. No matter how I'm feeling, I can at least smile and acknowledge each person's humanity and divinity: "Namaste'."

9. I have learned to pace myself. Pushing myself makes my illnesses push back. I tend to be driven, but I know now that I am not in the driver's seat. This particular experience of being alive -- with fibromyalgia and manic-depressive illness -- forces me into the passenger seat.

I used to convince myself I was in control. Now, I flow with my moods. I yield to my pain cycles. I don't push my body around anymore. I heed my body's wisdom, trust my inner voice, and hand over the steering wheel to my Higher Power. Being ill has taught me to let go and allow my life to unfold, naturally.

10. I have learned to let go of the many "should"s and "have-to"s of life -- because I've had to. I used to be ambitious, with a strong, people-pleasing streak, and would do things just to impress others. Now, being ill has given me an excellent alibi for avoiding anything I don't really want to do anyway -- especially things that are not really good for me.

For example, I used to drink alcohol and smoke weed and sometimes wind up in the wrong man's bed. Now, thanks to being mentally ill and medicated, I cannot drink or toke at all, and am able to avoid all sorts of unhealthy dramas. I also no longer eat sugar, stay out late, overexercise, overwork, or overstress -- or else I pay an immediate and drastic price. Overindulgence or excess stress leads to mood swings (which often become suicidal thoughts) and pain flares (which often debilitate me completely).

So, ironically, being ill has forced me to be healthy. I take really good care of myself now. My diet and lifestyle are balanced and healthy -- no matter what that other people around me are doing, and no matter what other people expect me to do. Bye-bye "should"s -- Hello self-care.

So, I've learned a few things from the struggles I've been through in recent years. So, God, what do you think? Maybe I've learned my lessons? Maybe now can I be well again???

Feel free to comment or email me your own list, or any thoughts. Namaste'.

Obstacles are Question Marks

Even if you don't like the music,
Get up and dance!

Even if you don't like the situation you are in, you still must somehow respond to it -- so why not respond with joyous enthusiasm?

I used to think that obstacles were stop signs. When life put up road blocks, I would take that as a sign that it was "not meant to be," and I'd turn around and go back. In response to an obstacle, I would often completely reverse course. After 40 years of that, my Life Map looks like an arcade paintball room -- splashy ricochets in all directions. I never knew which way to go -- I just kept doing U-turns in the hope of finding an obstacle-free path. I never did.

So now, at midlife, I'm experimenting with a new life philosophy. Obstacles are NOT stop signs. Obstacles are question marks. When you're moving forward in a certain direction, an obstacle will likely appear, in order to ask you, "Do you REALLY want this?" or "How BADLY do you want this?"

If you want to continue on your current path passionately enough, or if you desire the intended outcome badly enough, you will leap over, circumvent, or plow through any obstacle along the way. In Yoga, we call that fierce determination "Tapas" -- the inner fire. If you don't want it that much, you'll see the obstacle as a brick wall and give up.

Obstacles are tests of your intention and determination. If you see an obstacle, don't just turn around and go back. Pause, tune in with your inner voice, and then follow your excitement. Your intuition will respond to an obstacle either with "Nah, it's not worth all that trouble," or "I don't care what it takes, I'm DOING this!" Listen to your intuition, and respond appropriately.

Here's a personal story for you that illustrates the point:

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who loved art, and was really talented at it. She was ably drawing faces when she was only 20 months old. She loved to draw and paint and play with clay. She impressed her parents and everyone she met with her artistic abilities and creative enthusiasm. Her parents nurtured her with praise and enrichment activities. The girl also loved to dance and sing and make up stories. She even invented her own language, and wrote and illustrated her own books. She was very creative and imaginative throughout her childhood.

In high school, the girl took every art class available. Unfortunately, the art teacher there was not nurturing, and treated the girl harshly. The teacher told the girl's mother, "even though she is talented, she will never make it as an artist." The girl, then 17, told her mother she wanted to go to art school. The mother said, "no" and insisted the girl do something more "practical."

When faced with this obstacle, the naive girl turned around and went the other way. She attended university instead of art school, and majored in psychology instead of fine arts (which she minored in instead). She received a bachelor's degree, got her first job in advertising, which she was very good at, but disliked.

She was disillusioned by her options in society, and galvanized by her work in the peace and women's movements. She wanted to do something positive and alternative. The girl, by then a young woman of 22, moved to an intentional community, and learned about natural living, whole foods, communal childcare, and how to live happily in nature with other people and less stuff.

A year later, she came to Eugene and became pregnant. She focused her life on her child's needs and wants, putting her own life second. Her son, it turned out, had autism, and needed extra care. She tried to pursue a "practical" graduate degree in counseling, but she did not enjoy her classes. In the face of the many obstacles faced by the single parent of an autistic preschooler attending graduate school, she gave up and returned to Eugene.

After being inspired by The Artist's Way, the young woman tried to fulfill her dream of becoming an artist, working alone several hours a day in her garage. But without training or support, she floundered, and soon took a retail job in a bookstore. Many boring and low-paying office jobs later, she worked for awhile as an interior designer for a home builder. She enjoyed the creativity, but selling carpet for subdivisions felt like selling out. She quit. She became a yoga teacher, and later a yoga therapist. Yoga teaching fulfilled her social and spiritual needs, and was also somewhat creative.

She had another baby, a girl who began to show signs of artistic enthusiasm and talent. Watching her young daughter's love for drawing, painting, and clay, listening to her stories, songs, and imagination, the mother remembered her own childhood and her own creativity. As she spent many hours drawing and sculpting with her little daughter, the mom's love and passion for art reemerged, as did her dream to attend art school. She decided to try again.

She signed up for a sculpture class at the community college. One week before class started, she was involved in a debilitating bicycle crash. Her shoulder was in pain for many weeks, and her right hand was in a splint for a month. She dropped the class.

The next term, she tried again. She signed up for a drawing class. A month before the class started, she had a toxic, allergic reaction to an antibiotic, which made her so sick she could not work or barely leave the house for several months. She could not even sit comfortably in a chair. She dropped the class again.

But she did not give up. The desire did not fade; it grew stronger. The following term, she signed up for another drawing class. So far she has completed the first week of class, and is doing well. She is enjoying it, and her enthusiasm is bubbling up from under the surface.

She is going to keep trying, keep overcoming obstacles, and keep pursuing the long-dormant, neglected childhood dream. She, and her daughter, are artists. When the question mark was raised, "Do you REALLY want this?" -- the mom said "YES!"

Samskara Subtle impressions of one's own past karmas, or actions. Fixed notion or habitual reaction formed by one's past. The innermost wall of the city of life is constructed by the samskaras that hold the aspirant's attachments and pleasure-seeking desires.

When the need to move forward is stronger than any obstacle, there are often deeper forces at work. Respect what you cannot understand, listen to your inner voice, and follow your excitement.

“The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure.”
--Joseph Campbell

Even Moms Need to Live Fully

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anaïs Nin (1903 - 1977)

Fear tends to paralyze me. I tend to avoid taking risks and hide under the covers, in a futile attempt to avoid bad things happening. Risk-taking, however, does not always lead to tragedy; sometimes wonderful things happen. And sometimes bad things happen even when you're home sitting on the couch -- or because you're home sitting on the couch! You may be doing something routine and familiar, and when you least expect it...WHAM-O! Yet what at first seems like a catastrophe may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you... or at least a rewarding learning experience.

Ever since I became unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 23, I have been mostly conservative in my ways (especially compared to the wildness that got me pregnant in the first place). Since fate hit me over the head with that surprise sledge-hammer, I have been mainly self-protective, sedentary, housebound, and hiding from the world that so shockingly side-swiped me. Children are a blessing, of course, and I "took the high road" and dedicated my life to being a good mother, but what a devastating shock when I was just a child myself!!

At times I've reached out from my Cancerian shell, only to scurry back into my safe haven at the first sign of adversity. I attempted to pursue a graduate degree, for example, when my son was in preschool, but gave up because I felt I was shortchanging him by being gone too much. The biggest risk that I have always been unwilling to take is to be a "bad mother." My own mother went back to work 80 hours a week when I was 9, and I swore I would never do that to my own children. So anything I've tried to do that risked my prioritization of parenthood has been short lived at best.

And now I'm 40, half my life is over, I've spent the past 16+ years playing it safe, and where has that gotten me? The kids are fine, and they'd rather interact with their computers and their friends than with me. Meanwhile, I'm middle-aged, with two chronic, incurable illnesses, and a very boring, pedestrian life that isn't much fun, isn't fulfilling, and doesn't really suit me at all! I've been living for the children, waiting for my turn to come first. If not now, when?

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
-- Mark Twain.

Of course, I'm not going to abandon my kids or my husband, and I don't advise throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. I'm not advocating stupid risk-taking, like having unprotected sex with strangers, ignoring your doctor's advice, or binging on junk foods. Take care of yourself, and act consciously and conscientiously. But even if you are ill, or have five kids, or had a run of really bad luck that made you scared to leave the house, get up in the morning and live your life to the fullest.

Each day is precious, and no one is getting any younger. Remember what you liked to do when you were young and carefree, and add some of that excitement back into your hum-drum life. I like: art, dance, music, writing, reading, nature, sunshine, travel, walking, hiking, biking, taking classes, learning new things, exploring, creativity, lovemaking, cuddling, flirting, talking, listening, communication, touch, spirituality, yoga, meditation, being near water, boating, playing with kids, making something new, working, playing, resting, balance and harmony. What do you like, that you haven't done in awhile?

Dare to Live Fully
Say Yes to What You Want
Experiment and Explore
Don't Be Afraid
Hiding Won't Protect You
Risking Won't Hurt You
Life is To Be Lived
Keep Your Eyes, Hands, Mind, and Heart Wide Open
Apply Yourself
Let Nothing Go To Waste
The World Needs All of You at this critical time in history.

SHINE Your Light in the World