25 Random Things about Me

1. I received the name Luna in a dream in 1991. I meditated in the evening, then asked to know my true name, then went to sleep for the night. I dreamed my name was Luna, and when I woke up, I knew that was my name. Interestingly, when I introduce myself by my birth name, Anita, no one can ever remember my name.

2. I lived in a rural, intentional community (East Wind) for a year in my early 20s, which totally changed my life. I learned about spirituality, nature, organic food, herbs, intentional childrearing, community living, and how to pee standing up!

3. I have always loved art -- drawing, painting, sculpture, pottery, everything. I wanted to go to art school when I was 17, but my parents said no, so I went to university instead. I regretted that decision, so I infuse my life with creativity, share my love of art with my art-loving daughter, and let my artistic temperament out to play.

4. I am from New York. New York culture is an important part of who I am. Born in Queens, raised near Peekskill. No accent, unless I'm inebriated, angry, or on the phone with my mother.

5. I love many people so much sometimes it hurts.

6. I have never learned how to whistle.

7. I love to ride my bicycle, but I have been too scared since I was "car-doored" and injured two years ago. A little PTSD goes a long way.

8. I love all animals, but have no pets.

9. I lived in Portland for a year, attended graduate school in counselor education, got straight A's, then dropped out because I felt I was short-changing my pre-school-aged son. So I returned to Eugene and my child-centered creativity.

10. Teaching yoga has been my favorite job, by far, especially prenatal yoga, and I can see myself sharing the joys and benefits of yoga with others far into the future.

11. I still crave chocolate whenever I'm upset, even though I know better than to expect sweets to feed my inner needs, and I try to avoid sugar and eat healthy. It's an addiction, and sometimes it is stronger than I am.

12. I still love everyone I have ever loved, even the ones I never want to speak to again.

13. I really, really, really hated high school.

14. I love being near water, just to see and hear it makes me happy -- creek, river, lake, waterfall, ocean, fountain, anything.

15. My children, yoga, and spirituality are by far the most important things in my life.

16. I love Eugene, Oregon completely and hope to live here for the rest of my life.

17. I have lived in 8 U.S. states and visited 44 states.

18. I love to travel. I hate to travel with my children (sorry, kids!), so I haven't travelled much since my son was born in 1993. I hope to remedy this as he begins college this Fall (yay!).

19. I have intense, life-long, chronic insomnia. I have tried every insomnia remedy, natural and not, and could easily write a book about how to sleep. However, some nights, my expertise is humbled...and wide-awake.

20. My nose was broken in a fist-fight in 1992 by a supposed friend with whom I was in conflict, who happened to be a former gang member (she knew how to fight, and I did not). On that day, I learned the destructive power of outward-directed anger. I wear that lesson on my face as a constant reminder that finding win-win solutions to conflict is the only answer. Now I'm a certified community mediator :)

21. I have been pursuing spiritual development, holistic health, and personal growth continuously for over 20 years.

22. I would much rather snack than cook. It amuses me that Cancerians are supposed to be fabulous cooks when I can hardly make toast.

23. I mostly listen to mantras, kirtans, and other yoga music, but I still rock out sometimes to old fav's from the 80s, and I love to dance to anything danceable.

24. I am learning to pace myself, and live more in the moment.

25. I am proud of how far I have come, and accepting of how far I still have to go.

Mid-Life Mom is Growing Up

I look at how happily married I am, and I believe it's because I was single for so long first (finally married at 38), and I therefore got the full single experience out of my system. I look at how happily parenting my new-mom friends are, and I believe it's because they were childless for so long first, and they therefore got the full childless experience out of their systems.

However, I started parenting young -- solo-parenting a child with autism -- and I am still busy parenting, and I feel somehow cheated out of the life-phase of childlessness. I finished school and less than 18 months later I was expecting a baby. I never got my "ya-ya's" out; never got that "me" time all young adults crave.

Perhaps, developmentally, I am stuck at Erikson's "identity versus role confusion" stage. When it comes to my identity, I certainly feel confused! Well, of course, I am 40, and I have in many ways progressed in my spiritual and emotional evolution. I always put my kids' needs first. I don't drink or get high (anymore), I'm in bed by 10 (p.m.), I attend parent-teacher meetings and help with homework, etc. etc. I'm a mom. That part of my identity is clear.

But part of me never got to finish growing up. Part of me wants to experiment and explore and finish figuring out who I am. I know I'm a mother; I fully accept and cherish that role. But, what else am I? Who else am I? I never got a chance to answer those questions, because I was too busy changing diapers and arranging play dates.

My children are growing up and will someday move on. Meanwhile, any jobs I have held besides mother-in-chief have been the kind that let me put my kids first -- in other words, low-paying and part-time, with no hope for advancement. In other words, my resume is a tangled mess of underemployment and unemployment -- a bridge to nowhere. I hope it's not too late to finally blossom into my fully realized adult self.

I realize my timing's a bit lousy, this being the world's worst economic recession and all. Still, I need some time to learn about and develop my individual identity, so I can better contribute to the larger society.

That means completing my education -- graduate or professional school -- and experimenting with roles and occupations -- am I an artist? a counselor? a mediator? a yoga-communitarian? What are my true priorities? Assuming parenting tops the list, what else is most important to me?

With my kids born 10 years apart, I've been home playing Lego's far too much, for far too long. My mid-life crisis feels like a deep desire to step out and define myself in the world. I will keep one foot firmly grounded at home on "mother" earth, as I step boldly into the unknown to "find myself." Despite being a responsible, middle-aged, mother-of-three, I am eager, and ready, to finally grow up.

We all need to do what we need to do. Listen to your inner voice. Follow your excitement. We are not just doing or being; we are continually becoming. Allow your blossoming to unfold. Blessings to all....

Obstacles are Question Marks

Even if you don't like the music,
Get up and dance!

Even if you don't like the situation you are in, you still must somehow respond to it -- so why not respond with joyous enthusiasm?

I used to think that obstacles were stop signs. When life put up road blocks, I would take that as a sign that it was "not meant to be," and I'd turn around and go back. In response to an obstacle, I would often completely reverse course. After 40 years of that, my Life Map looks like an arcade paintball room -- splashy ricochets in all directions. I never knew which way to go -- I just kept doing U-turns in the hope of finding an obstacle-free path. I never did.

So now, at midlife, I'm experimenting with a new life philosophy. Obstacles are NOT stop signs. Obstacles are question marks. When you're moving forward in a certain direction, an obstacle will likely appear, in order to ask you, "Do you REALLY want this?" or "How BADLY do you want this?"

If you want to continue on your current path passionately enough, or if you desire the intended outcome badly enough, you will leap over, circumvent, or plow through any obstacle along the way. In Yoga, we call that fierce determination "Tapas" -- the inner fire. If you don't want it that much, you'll see the obstacle as a brick wall and give up.

Obstacles are tests of your intention and determination. If you see an obstacle, don't just turn around and go back. Pause, tune in with your inner voice, and then follow your excitement. Your intuition will respond to an obstacle either with "Nah, it's not worth all that trouble," or "I don't care what it takes, I'm DOING this!" Listen to your intuition, and respond appropriately.

Here's a personal story for you that illustrates the point:

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who loved art, and was really talented at it. She was ably drawing faces when she was only 20 months old. She loved to draw and paint and play with clay. She impressed her parents and everyone she met with her artistic abilities and creative enthusiasm. Her parents nurtured her with praise and enrichment activities. The girl also loved to dance and sing and make up stories. She even invented her own language, and wrote and illustrated her own books. She was very creative and imaginative throughout her childhood.

In high school, the girl took every art class available. Unfortunately, the art teacher there was not nurturing, and treated the girl harshly. The teacher told the girl's mother, "even though she is talented, she will never make it as an artist." The girl, then 17, told her mother she wanted to go to art school. The mother said, "no" and insisted the girl do something more "practical."

When faced with this obstacle, the naive girl turned around and went the other way. She attended university instead of art school, and majored in psychology instead of fine arts (which she minored in instead). She received a bachelor's degree, got her first job in advertising, which she was very good at, but disliked.

She was disillusioned by her options in society, and galvanized by her work in the peace and women's movements. She wanted to do something positive and alternative. The girl, by then a young woman of 22, moved to an intentional community, and learned about natural living, whole foods, communal childcare, and how to live happily in nature with other people and less stuff.

A year later, she came to Eugene and became pregnant. She focused her life on her child's needs and wants, putting her own life second. Her son, it turned out, had autism, and needed extra care. She tried to pursue a "practical" graduate degree in counseling, but she did not enjoy her classes. In the face of the many obstacles faced by the single parent of an autistic preschooler attending graduate school, she gave up and returned to Eugene.

After being inspired by The Artist's Way, the young woman tried to fulfill her dream of becoming an artist, working alone several hours a day in her garage. But without training or support, she floundered, and soon took a retail job in a bookstore. Many boring and low-paying office jobs later, she worked for awhile as an interior designer for a home builder. She enjoyed the creativity, but selling carpet for subdivisions felt like selling out. She quit. She became a yoga teacher, and later a yoga therapist. Yoga teaching fulfilled her social and spiritual needs, and was also somewhat creative.

She had another baby, a girl who began to show signs of artistic enthusiasm and talent. Watching her young daughter's love for drawing, painting, and clay, listening to her stories, songs, and imagination, the mother remembered her own childhood and her own creativity. As she spent many hours drawing and sculpting with her little daughter, the mom's love and passion for art reemerged, as did her dream to attend art school. She decided to try again.

She signed up for a sculpture class at the community college. One week before class started, she was involved in a debilitating bicycle crash. Her shoulder was in pain for many weeks, and her right hand was in a splint for a month. She dropped the class.

The next term, she tried again. She signed up for a drawing class. A month before the class started, she had a toxic, allergic reaction to an antibiotic, which made her so sick she could not work or barely leave the house for several months. She could not even sit comfortably in a chair. She dropped the class again.

But she did not give up. The desire did not fade; it grew stronger. The following term, she signed up for another drawing class. So far she has completed the first week of class, and is doing well. She is enjoying it, and her enthusiasm is bubbling up from under the surface.

She is going to keep trying, keep overcoming obstacles, and keep pursuing the long-dormant, neglected childhood dream. She, and her daughter, are artists. When the question mark was raised, "Do you REALLY want this?" -- the mom said "YES!"

Samskara Subtle impressions of one's own past karmas, or actions. Fixed notion or habitual reaction formed by one's past. The innermost wall of the city of life is constructed by the samskaras that hold the aspirant's attachments and pleasure-seeking desires.

When the need to move forward is stronger than any obstacle, there are often deeper forces at work. Respect what you cannot understand, listen to your inner voice, and follow your excitement.

“The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure.”
--Joseph Campbell